[Originally recorded on Albert Falls — 3 August, 3151]
“Born to humble means among the ‘drone’ underclasses of Angell II, I took part in an uprising against the planetary elites, seeking reform of that poisoned world’s oppressive caste system. When the inevitable reprisals began, I confess that my convictions failed me, and I fled, seeking asylum in the planetary ComStar compound. Seeing an opportunity for a fresh start, I took my current name and enlisted in the order as an Acolyte, beginning my studies of the teachings of the Blessed Blake. By 3130, I had risen to the rank of Precentor, and worked tirelessly with my brethren to find a solution to the Blake-damned ‘Gray Monday’ Blackout. Alas, our efforts were bedeviled by what I believe to be the lingering shadow of the Word, blocking our every avenue towards unraveling the mystery. Finally, our finances exhausted, I oversaw the closure of our Order’s operations in the League and the sale of our assets to Clan Sea Fox. As a condition of the contract, I and select skilled staff were required to stay on to handle the transition and provide continuity of operations for our remaining services. I believe, technically, we are ‘bondsmen,’ though the Sea Fox merchant liaisons seem content to refer to us as ‘indefinite term personal service contractors.'”
“There have been many changes to our operations since the Sea Foxes completed their acquisition. The Foxes’ utilitarian blue single-suit became the standard dress code. For those of us who remained attached to the robes of the Order, they offered a compromise. Rather than the pure mathematical symbols and equations that the robes have traditionally borne as embroidery, the merchants viewed the broad expanses of fabric as a potential revenue opportunity in the form of product placement, making each of us a walking billboard for those wishing to advertise their services or products. I was assigned a prominent beverage company. It has been…an adjustment, to say the least.”
<earpiece crackles>
“I have to? Again?”
<crackle>
“Now?!”
<crackle>
“Sigh. Very well. Ahem.
Burning hot and in a rush? Beat the heat with Coolant Flush! Now available in…sigh…new Kincha Kola flavor….
Must I?”
<crackle>
“CRUSH A FLUSH TODAY!”
[End Interview]
About “Precentor Coolant Flush”
You may have seen Precentor Loreius wandering the gaming halls of GenCon 2025, so we invited Mr. Coolant Flush himself, our very own Eric Salzman (Associate BattleTech Developer), to explain:
“In 2022, in gratitude for the US Embassy’s assistance in privatizing its Uzbekistan bottling plant, the Coca Cola regional director presented our Ambassador with this beautiful coat – a traditional Uzbek men’s dress coat (the kind worn to a wedding, rather than the office) with Coca-Cola stylings. As I was the lead staffer on the privatization push, the Ambassador presented the coat to me when I departed the Embassy. There are not a huge number of venues where such a coat can be truly appreciated, but I was intrigued by the similarity to the red/gold robe worn by the Word of Blake Manei Domini on the cover of Jihad Hot Spots 3072 (aka “Precentor Pantsless”).
Rather than downplay the Coca-Cola embroidery, I decided to lean into it with a bandolier ($10 from Etsy—made it three days before falling apart) festooned with “thermal detonator” coke bottles from Disney’s Galaxy’s Edge. I also added a belt with slots for six additional bottles—Mountain Dew relabeled with stickers for Coolant Flush—CGL’s energy drink sold at GenCon in 2018. I’d like to thank Dak for the original image file and making those Coolant Flush bottles possible.
The best part of the coat is seeing people marvel at the embroidery and overall aesthetic before turning their heads sideways and suddenly noticing that the wavy gold lines on the sides actually spell out Coca-Cola. The best part of the convention experience was getting to add just a bit more memorable weirdness to people’s games while wearing it, handing out my bootleg Coolant Flush, and extra Coolant Flush stickers.
May the Peace of Blake and Eternal Refreshment be Upon You! CRUSH THE FLUSH!”